pride

did you know not accepting help is a form of pride? i didn't, and let me explain how i came to this realization.

lately i've been the recipient of a lot of help. i've found myself feeling unworthy, selfish, and almost spoiled when i think about all the help i've gotten. i started thinking about other people i knew and wondering why they didn't receive the kind of help that i have, and i almost started wishing i didn't have it. i'm a pretty independent person and i like and need to do things for and by myself. accepting financial help makes me feel weak and childlike and immature. it almost got to the point where it sounded like i was complaining about all this help. and then i was talking with my brother and his wife tonight and they told me the help was a blessing, not a burden like i was making it out to be. i guess for some reason i was putting myself down to the point where i didn't feel i deserved to be helped by anyone, because of my independent attitude. they then informed me this was a form of pride. i don't think i'm better than anyone else, and in fact it may be the opposite.

learning to accept help and being grateful for it is hard! when you can't do something by yourself we need to let others help us. these are called blessings and we should be grateful for them. also, you can't compare yourself to anyone else cause everyone's lives are different. i've been BLESSED with a family who loves and cares about me, and so i've been BLESSED by their help a lot in my life, and that's okay. i guess i just feel for those who don't have people they can turn  to in times of need.

when i was in provo i made a list of things i learned in college, and soon i'm gonna start making a list of things i've learned in arizona. accepting help and the service of others is going to be number one on the list.

so, dear reader, shut up and say thank you and be grateful when people help and serve you!

lesson learned.

the end.

life

life is so interesting. no matter where i think my life is headed i always end up somewhere different, sometimes better. i never thought i'd be living in arizona. it is so hot here!! it was 104 today. it's been slow work getting to know people in my ward. yesterday was the first time i actually had a conversation with someone. two weeks ago this girl randomly came up to me and asked me to teach relief society (a women's class after sunday school) and i accepted (it was afterall my calling last semester at byu). then, saturday night the 2nd counselor in the bisopric called and asked me to talk the next day in sacrament meeting. ahh!! there went my saturday night. but it went well. i like speaking in front of groups. i think its one of my talents. but so that was last week, and yesterday i began talking with a couple people. i guess i'm slow in opening up. i also finished my first translation as a freelance translator a few weeks ago. that was a lot of hard work, way harder than anything i did in school. but so life is good. different, crazy, unplanned, up in the air, but good.

confidence

so since i've been here it's been kinda boring. i've gone out every day with my brother, but it wasn't until today that i went by myself. in decatur i loved driving myself places and going alone. in provo it took a while to get used to it. but eventually i got a hang of the town (while just a passenger i never paid attention to directions so it wasn't until i got a car that i actually needed to know where places were, so i got lost a lot haha). so once i knew where everything was, i left. hm. my sister-in-law offered to let me use her gps to get around town but i didn't take it with me. my brother had shown me the main roads by the house and i felt i had to prove it to myself that i could get around. i had thought rubi was giving me problems and i was nervous about driving her by myself, but after tonight i think she's okay. so i went out by myself and just drove around. i got a little lost but i found my way back. i even went in a target with no face on, hair un-done, and wearing a nasty t-shirt. hey, i don't know anyone in town yet so no one could recognize me and judge me. :)

independence is a wonderful thing. i love having the freedom to go wherever, whenever i want. you ever just have to prove to yourself that you can do something? it may be something as simple as finding your way around your new place of residence, starting a new job, or something much bigger. whatever it is, having confidence in yourself is important. i've always felt confident about who i was, but since i've been here it's been hard. i miss my friends, i miss knowing where i'm going, i miss my apartment and roommates, and i even miss my old boss and co-workers. i worked two extra weeks so i could train like 7 people. it was really weird to see our group change. i know change is a good thing, but it was weird, especially because for the last two weeks i didn't have a floor and was just a roaming worker, looking for odds and ends to clean.

one thing i've learned at byu is the value of a good friend. i thought i made a lot of good friends at the 'y' but how many of them do i talk to now? i've only been gone a week and i've only heard from one of them. fair? i don't think so. i want some friends! hopefully this sunday i'll meet some nice people. my ward is the "fiesta ward." promising? hope so.

arizona: land of heat

so i'm in arizona and i'm dying already. my brother and sister-in-law say it's cool weather, but i think it's so hot!! how will i survive?!?! so far i'm enjoying it. my brother took me around town today and there's two pretty cool malls super close. i've just been applying for jobs and keeping my fingers crossed that something comes up.

road trips, tv, books, and movies

okay, so that last post was a little weird. but hey, i'm a little weird. so how is life after graduation? well, relaxing. i really like not studying. finals were so emotionally exhausting. BUT, i got a GPA so that if i do decide i want to go to gradschool in the future, i can.

so far after graduation i've gone to enterprise, utah with family; i worked for two more weeks; and now i'm staying with a friend this week to help her out with a few things and then i'm off to arizona this weekend. i love road trips and i'm super excited to take this one by myself. it'll be the longest one i've done alone. 12hrs is a long drive. but first i'll be stopping at my other brother's place in enterprise and staying the night so i'll only have an 8hr drive the next day. i think that will save me.

confession: i've recently discovered my addiction for Glee. i'm addicted!! my friend and i have been watching non-stop episodes on Netflix. i've also rediscovered my love for reading. thanks to a great co-workers, i have a list of books to read for the summer. 36, to be precise. and the one i'm reading currently isn't actually the list...so i've got 37. i'm reading "jane eyre" right now and it's pretty awesome. i've already seen several movie versions of the book, but as i've learned, movies never compare to the book.

as for movies, i haven't seen any good ones lately. but i just saw a preview for a new x-men that comes out early june. excited!!

death, regrets, and life

i had the weirdest and most real dream last night. i dreampt that i was dying, i don't remember why or how, but i for some reason had the option to either die and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ or continue with my life but change one thing. as i debated whether to die and live with them or stay alive, i thought about what i would change about my life; the one thing i would change. it was interesting, cause i could only think of one thing to change, and it's not that big a deal. like, it's not something that if i changed it my life would be completely different. and so, i remember feeling this intense desire to die and live with Jesus. and the way i died was very gentle. i felt like the oxygen was slowly getting denser and denser, and that i didn't need to breathe as much. it was really weird and it's still weird that i remember it so clearly. but i just think it's cool that in my dream i could only think of one trivial thing to change about my life. that's neat. i like knowing that i'm subconsciously pleased with the way my life's turned out so far. i'm not perfect by any means, and i know i'll make plenty of mistakes in the future. but think about it: having no regrets; being able to say to yourself if you had to die right now, you wouldn't regret or change anything. i think that's how i want to live my life. no regrets. take control of your life and live it. if you want to change something about yourself for the better, do it; if you like someone, ask them out; take control of your life, and live so you don't have any regrets.

i'm a bachelor...a bachelor of arts!!!

so yeah i graduated friday afternoon. that morning i awoke with an incredible feeling of gratitude for everything i've learned here while at byu. i may give this university a lot of grief and i may complain a lot, but i really did enjoy my time here. 

where to from here? az, baby! yep, i'm moving to arizona. i'll be staying with my brother and sister-in-law till i get a job, which hopefully won't take me as long as i fear it will. way i figure, i don't want to live in provo, so why would i stick around? i don't want to work in decatur, so why would i move back home? there's a lot of hispanics in arizona and a lot less returned missionaries who speak spanish. i think i'll have a better chance of getting a job there than here. plus, i won't be living in the bubble. 

i never thought life would take me to arizona. it took me a LONG time to decide on this. i kept going back and forth between moving to denver, moving back home, going to spain, ugh. i had to many options. i felt i just needed to make a decision. several times i had decided to just move home and then i would change my mind. going home just didn't feel right. so i talked to my brother and he and his wife invited me to stay with them, and something just clicked and i got a really good feeling about it. since then, i'm not gonna say i haven't wavered on my decision. after all, it's a big decision to make!! they're the only ones i know in arizona and i've never even stepped foot in the state. plus, it's a 12hr drive from here to there. but i like road trips so i'm looking forward to that.

it's just weird to think about how my life's turned out till now. i never thought i'd graduate with a b.a. in spanish translation, that i'd be moving to arizona, and that i'd be as independent as i am. and happy. i'm very happy. :) scared of course, but happy.