This Christmas, I don't know why, but I wasn't in a very good mood. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anybody. I was able to work during the break so that kept me busy. And when I was at home, while I didn't want to be around anybody, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts, so I watched a lot of TV. I'm talking, a ton. The beginning of the break started relatively ok, with me waking up around 9 or 10. Then it got to the point where since I could work from 3-10pm and I didn't have anything going on after work, I'd stay up till like 2 or 3 in the morning watching a movie or TV. Not that that's any different from what I usually would do, but this time I wouldn't get up till like noon and then I'd watch TV till I went to work. This cycle has been repeating for the last week and a half. But I also didn't have to work last Thursday-Monday, and same for this weekend, so it got even worse. Also, I moved my bed into the living room and have been sleeping out there since like the 20th, and that makes it so the TV is uber accessible. My sleeping habits are all messed up and my brain has turned to mush. Even this morning I didn't get up till noon. And then I looked at my grades. Maybe I should've tried harder. I guess I've been a Scrooge this season; not sure why. And I've been listening to a lot of angry music, which is what I usually do when I'm not in a good mood, but now I think it's affecting me to the point where I try to ignore people on purpose. It's not that I want to be rude or anything, I just don't want to be around anyone cause I don't feel particularly happy and I don't want to say anything mean to anyone cause I'm not thinking happy thoughts.
this blog makes me sound depressed. and i'm not, honest, i just...i dunno. this is how i've been feeling lately. i feel lonely cause i've been living by myself, that loneliness has turned to bitterness, so i'm bitter and that turns into me not wanting to be around anyone, and because i'm not around anyone i feel even more lonely and that makes me even more bitter. but you know, it was my choice to stay home for Christmas (kinda). i made the choice, and i have to deal with it. so yeah. i wouldn't say i'm depressed, but i'll admit i'm bitter. definitely bitter. and i think it shows to other people cause at work yesterday a professor came up to me and asked if everything was ok. ha. i can't help it if my face always looks sad or mad! well maybe i guess i can.
this next semester will be better. i will study more, write papers earlier than the night before they're due, put a smile on my face even if i'm not feelin it, and i will try to get to bed at a decent hour, although i'm not making any promises on that one.
and why is it that when you're not happy you don't feel like praying or reading the scriptures? i think that's one thing that really makes me disappointed in myself. not that i completely stopped, i just did it half-heartedly. wow, this sounds like confession time. it just feels good to gets all these thoughts outa my head. i haven't been thinking that much lately cause i've been trying to distract myself. but i think that's irrational and stupid. thinking is good.
ok. no more bitterness, no depression, and no loneliness. ok. back to life, back to reality. back to normal.
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