Bah. Humbug.

This Christmas, I don't know why, but I wasn't in a very good mood. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anybody. I was able to work during the break so that kept me busy. And when I was at home, while I didn't want to be around anybody, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts, so I watched a lot of TV. I'm talking, a ton. The beginning of the break started relatively ok, with me waking up around 9 or 10. Then it got to the point where since I could work from 3-10pm and I didn't have anything going on after work, I'd stay up till like 2 or 3 in the morning watching a movie or TV. Not that that's any different from what I usually would do, but this time I wouldn't get up till like noon and then I'd watch TV till I went to work. This cycle has been repeating for the last week and a half. But I also didn't have to work last Thursday-Monday, and same for this weekend, so it got even worse. Also, I moved my bed into the living room and have been sleeping out there since like the 20th, and that makes it so the TV is uber accessible. My sleeping habits are all messed up and my brain has turned to mush. Even this morning I didn't get up till noon. And then I looked at my grades. Maybe I should've tried harder. I guess I've been a Scrooge this season; not sure why. And I've been listening to a lot of angry music, which is what I usually do when I'm not in a good mood, but now I think it's affecting me to the point where I try to ignore people on purpose. It's not that I want to be rude or anything, I just don't want to be around anyone cause I don't feel particularly happy and I don't want to say anything mean to anyone cause I'm not thinking happy thoughts.

this blog makes me sound depressed. and i'm not, honest, i just...i dunno. this is how i've been feeling lately. i feel lonely cause i've been living by myself, that loneliness has turned to bitterness, so i'm bitter and that turns into me not wanting to be around anyone, and because i'm not around anyone i feel even more lonely and that makes me even more bitter. but you know, it was my choice to stay home for Christmas (kinda). i made the choice, and i have to deal with it. so yeah. i wouldn't say i'm depressed, but i'll admit i'm bitter. definitely bitter. and i think it shows to other people cause at work yesterday a professor came up to me and asked if everything was ok. ha. i can't help it if my face always looks sad or mad! well maybe i guess i can.

this next semester will be better. i will study more, write papers earlier than the night before they're due, put a smile on my face even if i'm not feelin it, and i will try to get to bed at a decent hour, although i'm not making any promises on that one.

and why is it that when you're not happy you don't feel like praying or reading the scriptures? i think that's one thing that really makes me disappointed in myself. not that i completely stopped, i just did it half-heartedly. wow, this sounds like confession time. it just feels good to gets all these thoughts outa my head. i haven't been thinking that much lately cause i've been trying to distract myself. but i think that's irrational and stupid. thinking is good.

ok. no more bitterness, no depression, and no loneliness. ok. back to life, back to reality. back to normal.

30 things I learned this semester

1. If I lay down to study, no matter how tired I'm NOT, I WILL fall asleep.
2. In order to do well on lit tests, you actually have to read the books.
3. In order to get good grades, you actually have to study.
4. Reading a summary of a book online does not constitute as reading the book...says my professor...
5. I can't, apparantly, watch TV and do homework at the same time.
6. I am still capable of pulling all-nighters.
7. When trying to impress a boy, make sure your teeth are free of any stray food that might have gotten stuck there from lunch.
8. I am especially good at wasting time, especially when I should be doing homework.
9. Facebook is said waste of time.
10. I miss my family more than I thought I would this time of year.
11. I still have a lot of work to do on my Spanish.
12. I can't go to bed with a dirty kitchen. (where did i get this from? not home, that's for sure)
13. A good friend is worth more to me than anything.
14. In order to have a good friend I need to BE a good friend.
15. Some things are just more important than sleep: homework, movies, talking, music...
16. I have 10 scarves and counting.
17. I can't push people (friends) away when times get rough.
18. I'm over the whole mall thing (as a teen I used to spend hours there, just walking around with friends).
19. When I'm mad or upset, I listen to angry music and I clean.
20. Grades don't matter that much to me anymore.
21. I really do like my job.
22. I need to give others a break because I'm not perfect either.
23. God knows more about me than I think, so I should trust Him more.
24. I'm obsessed with music.
25. Walks are cathardic.
26. Knitting is also cathardic.
27. The lights at Temple Square are beautiful.
28. I am most happy when I am obedient and when I serve others.
29. I like cooking.
30. Life sucks without a car.

Se revela la gratitud a medida que la buscamos

I woke up this morning with an intense feeling of gratitude for my Heavenly Father and all He's done for me. When I am quick to recognize the Lord's hand in my life I am always humbled. Lately I've been distracted by my own problems and worrying about what I'll be doing with my life after I graduate and where I'm going to live, what kind of a job I'll be able to get, and I complain that my life is up in the air and I don't know what's going on. But I know that Heavenly Father knows what's going on. I know He has his hand in my life, both hands, and that he is guiding me and will continue to guide me as long as I am humble and listen. Yes, it's true, life is scary sometimes. Yes, sometimes I feel I'm completely alone and there's no one who understands what I'm going through and I get mad and I complain some more. But always after I've got my head on straight I realize that my Savior knows what I'm going through and I repent and stop thinking about wo is me. I always feel better when I stop thinking about myself long enough to help other people. I think that makes Heavenly Father happy to see us not being selfish and helping his other children who many times have greater problems than us.

On a different note, last night (Friday) I went to the showing of paintings by Carl Bloch from Denmark. He painted over 250 portraits of the Savior and of other random people. I was touched by several in particular, and while I'm not an art major and I don't know the names of the different paints he used, or the brush strokes, or how to describe how he plays with light and dark to give a certain effect, I still appreciated the overall effect it had on me as a Christian, looking at a painting of her Savior. Looking at the paintings was almost a religious experience for me. There was soft music playing in the background to invite the Spirit and everyone was talking in hushed tones, as if the paintings themselves called out for silence, for reverence for the Subject of the paintings.

Another thing I appreciated about last night was the frames used. I love picture frames and I have several back home in Decatur that are just sitting on my desk gathering dust, waiting for the perfect picture to put inside them. In my mind, a photograph or a piece of art isn't complete unless it has the perfect frame to display it.

In closing, I am recommitting myself to be more awaringly grateful (is that even a word?). And as Carl Bloch said, "God helps me, that's what I think. And then I am calm." So be calm, and know that God is in our lives.

My Greatness

So do you ever have those days when you just think you're so cool? Well, I had one of those days this week. I mean, I'm awesome!! I think too many times we get down on ourselves and it's too easy to let the world tell us how and what to think. I think I'm one of the best people I know. I'm kind, considerate, passionate about what I love, honest, an amazing friend, diligent, punctual, hard-working (when I'm not looking at the lights out the SWKT window), sweet, and cute as all getout. :) I mean, what's not to love? I think I'm pretty cool and I love the days when I think this way. I could go on and on about how great I am; I mean, the list is huge. But I won't. So yeah. I'm great.

Rest of the ATA Conference

We started the day by going to the first time ATA attendee’s part and it was pretty much a waste of time. They encouraged us to develop our specialties but I don’t have any. So every session was an hour long, with a half hour break between each one.

Next, there was a meeting for all the members and since we weren’t, a few of us walked around town. It was still pretty early in the day, around 10am, so there weren’t a lot of people around. We went into this sheepskin store and they had alpaca fur and it felt like a cloud, it was so soft and light. They also had this ugly coat selling for $1200 and I thought it was the most hideous thing I’d ever seen.

The next session was for the Annual Meeting of the Spanish Division and it was the highlight of the meetings. The lady told us to be nice because it’ll get us farther. She bragged about how she was nice to the lady at the hotel desk and so she gave her a room on the top floor and got all these perks. Then she talked about how the quality of a translation depends on whether you specialize or not, because the more you know about a subject, the more you’re able to dig through your memory and find the words. Next, service. She stressed creatively solving problems for your client, not complaining, and never saying a job can’t be done. Then she talked about technology and how you must invest in the good hard/software and it must be top-of-the-line. You have to invest money to make money. One thing I was thinking throughout her presentation is that it sounds like I’m going to have to get a regular job, hopefully still speaking Spanish, and then just do translations on my own, on the side. Lame! For some reason I was thinking right away when I graduate there would be people lining around the block to give me their translations because I have a degree in it and most people don’t. Big wakeup call at this conference. I didn’t really have an idea of what I wanted to do with my skills, but now I have even less of an idea and I feel even more confused. But the lady also talked about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and not telling clients you can do things you can’t. She said you need to choose at least two verticals (industries to work in) because if one goes under, you’ll still have a means to get income. She suggested doing volunteer work to build a reputation and a resume. She concluded with what companies value the most: accuracy, timeliness, availability, flexibility, and a neat format. So at the beginning of this session, I thought it was really good and that I was going to learn a lot, but after a while she started talking about all the new things she’s bought with the money she’s earned and it seemed like all she did was work. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want money to be the center of my life and the most important thing. Her life seemed very materialistic and I felt sorry for her. It sounded like she works all the time.

            Also during this session we had another moment of silence for a fellow translator of the ATA and I was very touched. It’s something you don’t see very often in the Church and it was kind of nice.

            The highlight of this session was when a lady who we had met the night before at the welcome dinner stood up and spotlighted us as BYU students there. She was glad and thankful we were there and said we were the future of the translating industry. J I really appreciated her enthusiasm because it seemed there were a lot of people who could care less that we were there.

For lunch during the two hour break we walked around town and ate subs at this hole-in-the-wall place that was fantastic.

Then I went to a session called “Speak Out” that wasn’t good. It was about gaining more confidence in speaking in front of an audience. I don’t really have issues with this, so I didn’t really get much out of it. But one good thing she said was that instead of imagining the audience naked like some people say, she suggested that you pretend to be someone else.

I think I went to another session but I couldn’t remember it.  

I think my favorite part of the day was the speed-networking. It was kind of like speed-dating, where you move from person to person and you have two minutes to give your schpeal. I was really nervous and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go; several of my classmates were going back to the hotel to freshen up and start the night life early, but I had brought business cards, and dagnabit, I was going to use them! I had passed out a few earlier in the day, but I really passed them out here. I met a lot of people that I could tell really wanted nothing to do with me because I was just a student and I couldn’t give them any networking. I met one guy who told me to talk to Sundance if I’m interested in subtitling. After a while I got frustrated with people not taking me seriously, but instead of getting mad, I decided to be humble and ask them what advice they had for me as a beginning translator. I found this approach worked better than getting mad would’ve. J Some advice they gave me was begin to be a volunteer translator, be patient with myself and the process, specialize but don’t worry about finding my niche right now, get my name out there (scary!!), and use the best technology.

After the networking, we walked around town some more. There were a lot more people out and about and it was sad to see all the homeless people, but it was extra sad to see some laying in garbage and smoking cigarettes or drinking. I refuse to give people money if they’re just going to spend it on booze and cigarettes. Problem is, you never know what they’re going to buy. I also loved riding the free bus the city provides on this one street. I reminded me of my mission. :) We ended the day watching “When in Rome” from Netflicks. It was a great little girl’s night.

Day 2

This morning we got to sleep in and it was fantastic.

First session was called “Beyond Subtitling.” The lady said there are two main subtitling agencies, located in Los Angeles and London…as in London, England. I went to this session because I thought I might be interested in working with this, but everything is done on the computer and computers freak me out! The main programs are SWIFT, WinCABS, and Spot, además de otros. She said lately there’s been a loss in DVD sales due to Netflicks and all the other online streaming websites you can download movies from. In London she said they have a three week program where they teach SWIFT. So I guess I’m going to have to go there for a month and learn it. J

Next session was the preparation for the certification exam that some people are doing tomorrow. I went just to see how it would be like, and they just went over some old exam questions and asked what people thought would be the correct translation. My favorite part of the session was one of the slides that said “lastly but not leastly.” J that just makes me so happy. It was funny cause they’re translators talking about making idiomatic and correct statements, and they make that mistake. Haha. But it seemed just like my translation class.

For lunch, we went to the Noodle Company and I ordered mac and cheese. It was really good. Somehow I got stuck at the guy’s table.

Next session was Translating Religion. I thought it was going to be more about how to translate religious themes, but instead he just talked about all the different translations of the Bible.

My last session for the day was Translation in Every Cereal Box, about translating children’s books. She said that children’s books translated into Spanish often use words too advanced for the kids and that in Spanish kids learn by syllables and in English we learn how to pronounce whole words. This presentation made me want to buy children’s books in Spanish. I also want to translate some from Spanish to English because the lady showed us several examples of some books that were translated, and they were great!! I think it would be extremely valuable for our children to grow up learning about other cultures.

For dinner tonight we went out with our Profe and a couple other people. We went to Paramount Café, and because we’ve been eating out twice a day since Wednesday, I just ordered a small salad, but because the waitress brought me the wrong one, I got the meal for free!! Yes!! Afterwards, we just walked around town again and it was fun. We walked to the Capital building and saw a bunch of cool things. It’s been fun getting to know everyone. Oh, and I discovered my cell phone takes better pictures at night than my camera. Lame.

Day 3

Last night we played UNO with a bunch of girls in my hotel room and it was really fun. Apparently we were really loud because a hotel staff knocked on our door and told us someone complained that we were too rowdy. Haha.

So I stayed up late and woke up early…nothing unusual about that.

First session started at 8:30 and it was about localization, which means taking everything about a certain product and specifying it towards a certain culture or region. It was pretty interesting and it was cool because I had already learned about this in my translation class and also my computer translation tools class.

Next session was about Mexican slang and I really enjoyed it. The presenter gave us a sheet of paper with almost 100 slang words and phrases. I didn’t recognize most of them at first. It was interesting because apparently there are words to describe the action of wrapping up a body tightly and dumping it in a ditch, like a gang or the mafia would do. There’s also a word to describe the action of wrapping the eyes and mouth with duct tape, dumping the body in a ditch, and then pouring caustic acid over them. Hm. Hopefully I will never have to actually translate a document about this…

After that session they finally brought out the coffee and most importantly, the hot chocolate. I drank so much hot chocolate these past few days. Mm. I don’t have any at home and I used to love drinking my mom’s homemade hot chocolate when I was a kid. It’s so good!!

Next session was about interpreting the “se” in cases of domestic violence. The Spanish “se” is the passive voice, a way of taking away the action from yourself or putting blame on something else. For example, instead of saying “I burned the cookies” you would say “the cookies were burned,” therefore taking away the responsibility of you burning the cookies. “Se” is used an awful lot in Spanish, but in English it can be kind of awkward. I really enjoyed this one because she talked about how problematic it can be if in court the defendant uses the passive voice to not fully admit their guilt. It’s not the interpreter’s responsibility to decide or pass judgment, so what do you do? She suggested you keep the passive voice and let the judge clarify by asking, “ what do you mean the letter got lost?” By the end she almost had me convinced I wanted to be a court interpreter, but I then I woke up and realized I still don’t.

Next, we went to lunch at a pizza place called Mario’s Two Fist Pizza. It was pretty good. It was here that we decided as a group that we wanted to leave a bit early for the airport due to the “terrorist” activity in Chicago. (turns out we didn’t need to leave early at all. oh well. live and learn.) But after lunch I bought a picture frame to commemorate the trip. I love picture frames. Back in Decatur I have a bunch of empty frames waiting for the perfect picture. Sometimes I just by the frame just for the frame, not intending to ever put a picture in it.

After lunch some people and I decided not to go to the last session cause we’d only be there for a half hour, so we headed back to the hotel. A company here in town that has a computer translation program sponsored a few people and I to come to this conference, and so I had to wear this ugly gray polo the whole time. I was ecstatic to finally take it off and I want to burn it. J

So overall this was a great conference; I learned a lot about what I don’t want to do, although I have now even less of an idea of what I do want to do. I’m even more frustrated than before. I think I’m going to have to get a job just doing whatever. What about my education?!?!?!?! I feel like my degree isn’t going to get me anywhere and that it’s a pointless major. What people want to see is experience, not necessarily a degree. We were the youngest people there by at least 15 years.

I can’t even really begin to describe how I feel. It just feels like everything I’ve been working towards this past year and a half isn’t worth anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me- my grades aren’t that important to me this semester, I haven’t been working that hard on studying or keeping up with school pretty much at all. My calling is going okay, but even there I don’t feel I’m really getting through to anyone. It feels like I’m just here, just existing, without really living. That’s a rather poetic way to describe it, but it’s true. I mean, what am I doing? What am I doing here in Provo, Utah, what am I doing in this major, and what am I going to do when I graduate? I have no idea what I want to do, where I want to live, and it’s really scary. Why couldn’t I have had these doubts when I still could’ve done something about it? I’m kind of stuck in this major, suck here in Provo till April. Come April I’m gone. I don’t know where, but I know I’m not staying here. Everything just feels wrong, and it’s felt this way for a few weeks now. What am I doing? It’s not like I’m doubting who I am, but for some reason I just don’t feel good about where my education is taking me, and I have no idea what to do about it. Believe me, I’ve been praying about it. But I haven’t been getting any answers. I went to the temple a couple times last week looking for answers and peace, but nothing came. I felt no sway one way or another. I feel like Heavenly Father is letting me stand alone in this one, maybe to test my strength of character or something. I just want someone to tell me what to do!! Tell me what I should study, where I should live, who my friends should be. I wish I didn’t have to think so much and worry about myself so much. But I guess if you took away all these choices we’d be following Satan’s plan instead of the Savior’s. I trust Heavenly Father. I know He has a plan for me, one that is better than the one I’m making for myself. Maybe that’s what’s going on; maybe this is His way of telling me to listen to Him more and not try to control my life so much. Maybe I need to let Him in more. I’m just so confused. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so confused or alone in my life. I just came home tonight feeling exhausted mentally and emotionally…and physically, for that matter. Someone, tell me what to do with my life!!

ATA Conference: Day 1

So it's not even 10:30pm and we're beat. The plane ride from SLC to Denver only took about an hour and a half. Then once we got there, the airport lost someone's bag and we were waiting for a while. Then, once the bag was found, we waited for the bus for a while. Then when we got to the hotel we waited for a while for the other guy to pay for it. Then we finally got to go to the conference.

Tonight was just a meet-and-greet. It was hard at first getting out of my shell and going up to people. The first person I talked to was at dinner and he was drunk. Yeah. Probably not a good idea to get drunk here at this conference where your reputation is at stake.

After dinner, we went to the Spanish Language Division networking thingy and I met a bunch of people and I was even able to pass out several business cards!!

Day 1 was long. Tomorrow will be great, long, and afterwords we're going out to see the town.

rantings of a leading lady...

so for my spanish literature class today we read a story about a woman who married this dude she wasn't really in love with. then he fell in love with another woman and when his wife found out, she confronted him about it and he beat her. then her brothers and dad came to find out what the noise was about and the one brother was about to kill the husband, but the wife said no, i still love him. then the brothers and dad left cause they didn't want to look at how pathetic she was all bleeding and crying.

this story made me so mad and made me wonder why women stay in abusive relationships? i think some women grew up being treated this way and so they don't believe they deserve any better. i think some are scared (either of being alone or that he'll come after them if they try to leave). but i had a big discussion about this with some classmates and we came up with a bazillion reasons why women would choose to stay in an abusive relationship, but for me it came down to they just don't believe they deserve better. for women who aren't particularly religious i can understand how it might be hard for them to see their worth. but for women who believe in God should know He loves them.

the story also talked about how this really is a man's world and how this woman and another woman in a different story had to fight their way out. eventually this woman leaves her husband and becomes a nun. but i don't think those are our only options!! either accept the abuse or be a nun? i don't think so. women need to stand up for themselves. i have several friends who are passive and let people (not just men) walk all over them, and i hate it. stand up for yourself! no one else will. i'm not a feminist by any means, but i truly believe that women have a special role to play in society and in the home, and if we let ourselves be pushed around and told what to do, we aren't doing our divine nature justice. on the flip side, there are women who want to work and don't want children or are married who say they're going to wait till they have x amount of dollars in the bank. how sad, because women have an important role to play as mothers IN the home, and i think when we say we don't want children or we have them and then go to work and let someone else raise them, we slap that role in the face and pretty much tell God we don't want His plan.

don't get me wrong. i've worked hard to get where i am in my education and i fully plan on using my degree. but what i really want is to be a wife and a mother. i feel my spanish is a gift and so i don't want to give it up either, but i will not do so at the expense of my family. i will use my education to take care of myself till i get married, i'll probably still work till i have kids, then when i do, i want to devote my attention to them. the good thing about my line of work is that i can still do freelance translations from home instead of having to work for a company.

so yeah. this is what i've been thinking about today. women should stand up for themselves and stop the abuse. if you know someone in an abusive relationship, encourage them to get help. if you are the abuser, please stop. there are many types of abuse: physical, sexual, verbal, emotional. i couldn't tell you which one is worse, because they are all equally damaging.

life is too precious to waste living in fear. we don't have time to sit around and watch other people live their lives while we sit on the sidelines. every girl deserves to be leading lady in her own life. don't sit and let the guy you like pass by without telling him. as my bishop once said, guys are social retards and sometimes need a little push. :) we need to take control of our lives and not let others control them for us. this goes for friendships, dating relationships, school, work, anything.

so there you go. i will start studying for my tests now...

El albedrio

Ya es hora de controlar mi vida. Cuando las personas me dicen que odian sus vidas y no hay nada que puedan hacer para ser feliz, pienso en que Lehi (creo) una vez dijo que somos libres para escoger nuestro "destino," o libres para escoger la libertad o la muerte. Yo escojo la libertad. Quiero ser feliz. No hay nadie en mi vida que pueda hacer esta desicion para mi. Yo escojo. Tu escoges.

Translation:
It's time to control my life. When people tell me they hate their lives and there isn't anything they can to do be happy, I think about how Lehi (I think) once said that we're free to choose our "destiny," or free to choose liberty or death. I choose liberty. I want to be happy. There isn't anyone in my life that can make this decision for me. I choose. You choose.

Bienvenidos a mi blog!

Ok. I'm blogging. Happy?