my old life

so this is how i lived for 4 months before i moved from my brother's place. sad, eh?

fear

Named must your fear be before banish it you can.      -Yoda

life is good

so it seems to be taking a while for certain events in my life to take place. i just moved yesterday from my brother's house. i'd been staying with my brother and sister-in-law for 4 months. I've had a job for a while now, but i just couldn't find a place to live. it was getting pretty depressing. but this new place i'm at just makes me so happy! but even though i just found this great/amazing place to live, i still am painfully aware of other things i need to get done. but i was talking to my mom yesterday and she said something i will never forget, something that put everything in perspective for me at this time in my life. she said, "one more of your goals is met!" when she told me that, i immediately calmed down. sometimes i get caught up in all the things i have to do and i stress myself out. i just need to focus on one thing at a time.

life is good. not perfect, but good. i really don't have anything to complain about. i have a good job, a good place to live, a good car, a few good friends, and good family. what more could a girl ask for?

pride

did you know not accepting help is a form of pride? i didn't, and let me explain how i came to this realization.

lately i've been the recipient of a lot of help. i've found myself feeling unworthy, selfish, and almost spoiled when i think about all the help i've gotten. i started thinking about other people i knew and wondering why they didn't receive the kind of help that i have, and i almost started wishing i didn't have it. i'm a pretty independent person and i like and need to do things for and by myself. accepting financial help makes me feel weak and childlike and immature. it almost got to the point where it sounded like i was complaining about all this help. and then i was talking with my brother and his wife tonight and they told me the help was a blessing, not a burden like i was making it out to be. i guess for some reason i was putting myself down to the point where i didn't feel i deserved to be helped by anyone, because of my independent attitude. they then informed me this was a form of pride. i don't think i'm better than anyone else, and in fact it may be the opposite.

learning to accept help and being grateful for it is hard! when you can't do something by yourself we need to let others help us. these are called blessings and we should be grateful for them. also, you can't compare yourself to anyone else cause everyone's lives are different. i've been BLESSED with a family who loves and cares about me, and so i've been BLESSED by their help a lot in my life, and that's okay. i guess i just feel for those who don't have people they can turn  to in times of need.

when i was in provo i made a list of things i learned in college, and soon i'm gonna start making a list of things i've learned in arizona. accepting help and the service of others is going to be number one on the list.

so, dear reader, shut up and say thank you and be grateful when people help and serve you!

lesson learned.

the end.

life

life is so interesting. no matter where i think my life is headed i always end up somewhere different, sometimes better. i never thought i'd be living in arizona. it is so hot here!! it was 104 today. it's been slow work getting to know people in my ward. yesterday was the first time i actually had a conversation with someone. two weeks ago this girl randomly came up to me and asked me to teach relief society (a women's class after sunday school) and i accepted (it was afterall my calling last semester at byu). then, saturday night the 2nd counselor in the bisopric called and asked me to talk the next day in sacrament meeting. ahh!! there went my saturday night. but it went well. i like speaking in front of groups. i think its one of my talents. but so that was last week, and yesterday i began talking with a couple people. i guess i'm slow in opening up. i also finished my first translation as a freelance translator a few weeks ago. that was a lot of hard work, way harder than anything i did in school. but so life is good. different, crazy, unplanned, up in the air, but good.

confidence

so since i've been here it's been kinda boring. i've gone out every day with my brother, but it wasn't until today that i went by myself. in decatur i loved driving myself places and going alone. in provo it took a while to get used to it. but eventually i got a hang of the town (while just a passenger i never paid attention to directions so it wasn't until i got a car that i actually needed to know where places were, so i got lost a lot haha). so once i knew where everything was, i left. hm. my sister-in-law offered to let me use her gps to get around town but i didn't take it with me. my brother had shown me the main roads by the house and i felt i had to prove it to myself that i could get around. i had thought rubi was giving me problems and i was nervous about driving her by myself, but after tonight i think she's okay. so i went out by myself and just drove around. i got a little lost but i found my way back. i even went in a target with no face on, hair un-done, and wearing a nasty t-shirt. hey, i don't know anyone in town yet so no one could recognize me and judge me. :)

independence is a wonderful thing. i love having the freedom to go wherever, whenever i want. you ever just have to prove to yourself that you can do something? it may be something as simple as finding your way around your new place of residence, starting a new job, or something much bigger. whatever it is, having confidence in yourself is important. i've always felt confident about who i was, but since i've been here it's been hard. i miss my friends, i miss knowing where i'm going, i miss my apartment and roommates, and i even miss my old boss and co-workers. i worked two extra weeks so i could train like 7 people. it was really weird to see our group change. i know change is a good thing, but it was weird, especially because for the last two weeks i didn't have a floor and was just a roaming worker, looking for odds and ends to clean.

one thing i've learned at byu is the value of a good friend. i thought i made a lot of good friends at the 'y' but how many of them do i talk to now? i've only been gone a week and i've only heard from one of them. fair? i don't think so. i want some friends! hopefully this sunday i'll meet some nice people. my ward is the "fiesta ward." promising? hope so.

arizona: land of heat

so i'm in arizona and i'm dying already. my brother and sister-in-law say it's cool weather, but i think it's so hot!! how will i survive?!?! so far i'm enjoying it. my brother took me around town today and there's two pretty cool malls super close. i've just been applying for jobs and keeping my fingers crossed that something comes up.

road trips, tv, books, and movies

okay, so that last post was a little weird. but hey, i'm a little weird. so how is life after graduation? well, relaxing. i really like not studying. finals were so emotionally exhausting. BUT, i got a GPA so that if i do decide i want to go to gradschool in the future, i can.

so far after graduation i've gone to enterprise, utah with family; i worked for two more weeks; and now i'm staying with a friend this week to help her out with a few things and then i'm off to arizona this weekend. i love road trips and i'm super excited to take this one by myself. it'll be the longest one i've done alone. 12hrs is a long drive. but first i'll be stopping at my other brother's place in enterprise and staying the night so i'll only have an 8hr drive the next day. i think that will save me.

confession: i've recently discovered my addiction for Glee. i'm addicted!! my friend and i have been watching non-stop episodes on Netflix. i've also rediscovered my love for reading. thanks to a great co-workers, i have a list of books to read for the summer. 36, to be precise. and the one i'm reading currently isn't actually the list...so i've got 37. i'm reading "jane eyre" right now and it's pretty awesome. i've already seen several movie versions of the book, but as i've learned, movies never compare to the book.

as for movies, i haven't seen any good ones lately. but i just saw a preview for a new x-men that comes out early june. excited!!

death, regrets, and life

i had the weirdest and most real dream last night. i dreampt that i was dying, i don't remember why or how, but i for some reason had the option to either die and live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ or continue with my life but change one thing. as i debated whether to die and live with them or stay alive, i thought about what i would change about my life; the one thing i would change. it was interesting, cause i could only think of one thing to change, and it's not that big a deal. like, it's not something that if i changed it my life would be completely different. and so, i remember feeling this intense desire to die and live with Jesus. and the way i died was very gentle. i felt like the oxygen was slowly getting denser and denser, and that i didn't need to breathe as much. it was really weird and it's still weird that i remember it so clearly. but i just think it's cool that in my dream i could only think of one trivial thing to change about my life. that's neat. i like knowing that i'm subconsciously pleased with the way my life's turned out so far. i'm not perfect by any means, and i know i'll make plenty of mistakes in the future. but think about it: having no regrets; being able to say to yourself if you had to die right now, you wouldn't regret or change anything. i think that's how i want to live my life. no regrets. take control of your life and live it. if you want to change something about yourself for the better, do it; if you like someone, ask them out; take control of your life, and live so you don't have any regrets.

i'm a bachelor...a bachelor of arts!!!

so yeah i graduated friday afternoon. that morning i awoke with an incredible feeling of gratitude for everything i've learned here while at byu. i may give this university a lot of grief and i may complain a lot, but i really did enjoy my time here. 

where to from here? az, baby! yep, i'm moving to arizona. i'll be staying with my brother and sister-in-law till i get a job, which hopefully won't take me as long as i fear it will. way i figure, i don't want to live in provo, so why would i stick around? i don't want to work in decatur, so why would i move back home? there's a lot of hispanics in arizona and a lot less returned missionaries who speak spanish. i think i'll have a better chance of getting a job there than here. plus, i won't be living in the bubble. 

i never thought life would take me to arizona. it took me a LONG time to decide on this. i kept going back and forth between moving to denver, moving back home, going to spain, ugh. i had to many options. i felt i just needed to make a decision. several times i had decided to just move home and then i would change my mind. going home just didn't feel right. so i talked to my brother and he and his wife invited me to stay with them, and something just clicked and i got a really good feeling about it. since then, i'm not gonna say i haven't wavered on my decision. after all, it's a big decision to make!! they're the only ones i know in arizona and i've never even stepped foot in the state. plus, it's a 12hr drive from here to there. but i like road trips so i'm looking forward to that.

it's just weird to think about how my life's turned out till now. i never thought i'd graduate with a b.a. in spanish translation, that i'd be moving to arizona, and that i'd be as independent as i am. and happy. i'm very happy. :) scared of course, but happy.

remedy for a migraine

so i discovered the perfect remedy for my migraines: bubble bath, an ipod mix of jack johnson and norah jones (played very softly), and the lights off. oh, and drugs. of course.

"where do i go from here?"

well so i think i've made up my mind about what i'm doing with my life...as far as the summer is concerned anyway. i'm waiting on the response of one person to find out if what i have planned is going to work out. i don't like knowing that my life depends on a single person. i'll let you know what it is i decide, but for right now just keep your fingers crossed.

my plans have been so incredibly up in the air. it's ridiculous. i have too many options because i'm not really tied down to any one place. i can move anywhere. i've finally made a decision about where i'm moving so hopefully the world will catch on and give me a break and accept my plan, too. and that includes giving me a job in said destination. i think all it will all work out though; i just needed to make a decision and stick to it. i'm happy with it and i think it'll be fun if it works out.

i've made a list of places i need to go out to eat to before i leave. a few include:

Sammy's
Brickoven
Pizza Pie Cafe
Texas Road House
Zupas
Dickies (don't order their pulled pork. it was dry even with sauce)
Jimmy Johns (#4 Turkey Tom please!!)
P.F. Changs

yeah, i don't think i'm gunna make it to all of them... but what do you think? am i missing any good places?

jaja

graduation. yeah. it's official.

oh yea.

jobs. yuck.

So I've been looking for a job this semester and no luck. I keep getting excited when a possibility arises and then I get let down when it doesn't follow through. I know I'll get one, I just want one before I graduate so I know whether I'm moving home for the time being or I'm staying here to work. As of right now I'm planning on moving back home after graduation just to save money on rent. However, today I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I need to stay here. But where am I going to live? What if I don't have a job right away? It's hard trusting your feelings. I'm willing to relocate anywhere. I just feel that if I move back home I'll be stuck there because there's nothing and no one there. It's a good town for people who already have families and already are in their career, but it's not exactly an up-and-up booming town for young single college students. Hm. I have no idea what to do.

Ruby

So this is me and my new best friend. We look good together, no? She's a little dusty now so I drove her around in the rain on Saturday, but it just made the dust nastier. Hm. I guess I could just take her to get washed, but paying to wash a car is just wrong. Back home we always wash them in our driveway. So I guess I just need to buy a house so I can use my own hose and soap and wax to take care of her. ... But it was a good bonding day for us though. She's got a few dents in her, but I swear, I didn't do them! She's not in an abusive relationship! I feel kind of bad cause I usually only see her on the weekends. I don't want her to think I'm using her for rides.

But isn't she pretty?!?!

good morning sunshine

so, i may be learning this a bit late in life, but waking up early is good. i like waking up earlier than i need to so i can get extra homework done. granted, this new discovery clashes with my current lifestyle: stay up as late as possible. what should be done? which is better: going to bed early and waking up early and then taking a nap during the day? or staying up late and getting up late? cause right now it's stay up late and wake up early...which doesn't exactly bode well with my body. but i think i like getting up early just because i don't have to. i do it cause i want to. when i have to get up early i don't like it and i'd rather sleep in. does that make sense? it's kind of like how when you live at home and you're planning on doing the dishes, but when your mom tells you to do them you get rebellious and don't. where's the sense in that?

Happy V Day

Usually I don't really care for Valentines Day but I quite enjoyed today. I sent my mom a cool present that she got today and she loved it, I saw a cute video of my Dad playing with my nephew in the hotel pool in Indiana and I got super jealous but it was cute so I enjoyed it, my home teacher made me some cake, my roommates made me a really cute card in Spanish and the grammar was pretty good, and we made cards for my boss who was sick today and we plastered them on his computer and desk. 

At work it was my turn to do the spiritual thought, and I decided to talk about Love because it seemed appropriate. I said a few things about what people have done for me that let me know they love me and then I asked my co-workers what some examples of love were in their lives. We got some interesting answers. :) But for me it really came down to the love that my earthly parents and my Heavenly Father have shown me. I'm so grateful for them and for all the sacrifices they've made for me. Any time I feel down or sad or alone, I can just think about them and know that I am Loved.

Authority

Wow, I've been posting a lot lately.

So last night I watched this movie called "Devil." Usually I don't watch scary ghosty movies cause they freak me out and give me nightmares. But I was with a trusted friend and we left the lights on. :) But so in this movie there's a group of strangers that get stuck in an elevator and one of them is the devil but we don't know who till the end (don't worry, I won't give away the ending! you should see it for yourself). I thought it was interesting how at several times during the movie the people in the elevator start to fight and this detective guy gets on the PA and yells at them to stop, and every time eventually they do. But, they didn't have to. I mean, it's just a voice they hear telling them to stop. But it's the trust they put into the police system that made them calm down and obey the voice. He was a stranger to them and yet they obeyed his authority. In some psycological analyses they've studied how victims of abuse or rape or torture obey the authoritative figure, not necessarily because they want to, but because it's ingrained in them to follow authority. I wonder why that is exactly.

Also, have you ever noticed how you clam up when you're stopped by a policeman and you get all nervous? Or maybe that just happens to me. But they're a recognized authority figure and you give them authority by letting them issue you a ticket or throw you in jail. Authority is an interesting thing.

But go out and rent the movie. It wasn't all that demonic like I thought; mostly suspense.

ah, work

lol this is what i do with my extra time at work. it was so fun. i was cleaning a co-worker's floor and she had these shoes and pants just laying around so i put them to good use. muahahaha. i think i get bored too often at work.....

My baby

So I finally got a car. After driving around in it for a while I've decided she's definitely a girl. With much help from a co-worker, I've decided to name her Ruby. She's got a little attitude, and I like that. I can sit in her and speak to her in Spanish and she totally gets me. I've only had her for a few weeks, but already I can't imagine her not being in my life. We're super close and she's soon becoming my best friend (about time I got another one...).

With new friendship comes new responsibility. Hence, I've been trying to keep up with maintenence and learning about things. But I noticed the other day that she needed gas. I spent like half an hour looking for the button or lever that you push in the car to release the little gas door thingy. Nothing. She's been close to empty for a few days and I haven't taken her anywhere because I couldn't figure it out. I didn't want her to feel I'm just using her for rides (I really do value our friendship!!), especially since I'll be going to SLC tonight to visit a couple brothers. I decided today it was time to take our friendship to the next level, and I did a thourough search of every little knob or lever in my car. FINALLY, I discovered you had to push down the same lever used to open the trunk. Wow. Really? It took me this long to figure that out? But it wasn't exactly my fault, cause the labeling of the lever has rubbed off so Ruby was deceiving me a little. I felt kind of betrayed, but if she doesn't give me any more problems tonight I will forgive her.

P.S. should I be worried that I'm falling in love with her?

Career? What career?

So I graduate in April, and while I'm super excited to finally be done, I loathe job hunting. I've applied for several already and have heard back from one place, where I didn't feel confident that I could work for them. But right now I'm in the process of applying for a summer teaching job up in Denver. It'll pay well and they'll provide driving compensation. Plus, I think it'd be a cool thing to say I've done. And it'll only last a summer. Other than that, nothing new going on...